So you may have noticed that the Fatjayslim blog went rather quite about 5/6 weeks before the London Marathon? Actually you may not even have noticed or even cared! 😳
Well there was a reason behind that and it leads on to something I never thought about too much, until now.
So the build up to the Marathon didn’t go exactly the way I planned, but then actually none of the training has gone to plan when you read back.😩
If things had gone to plan then I wouldn’t have got a place and I still would have felt smug and carried on with a pint and a curry with friends, but now on reflection, it was the best thing that hasn’t gone to plan for me in a long time.🤭
So the most miles on my long run I achieved was 15 miles! Only 11 short for the big day.
Life as usual gets in the way of them little runs
So taking all this into account, a few weeks before , my head well and truly fell off!🤯
I became anxious and upset and then little things that play on your mind, suddenly became huge and even though you know in your heart of hearts it’s not a big deal, your mind won’t let it rest.😰
To say I was emotional would be an understatement, I’ll be honest I shed quite a few tears and sometimes I didn’t even know why, sometimes it wasn’t anything to do with the Marathon.😢
Mrs J, even as the voice of reason, kept telling me it’s just a run, if I didn’t or couldn’t do it I wasn’t letting anyone down, but that wasn’t how it was in my head.😔
We had booked a hotel, we had friends and family who had booked a hotel and where coming to the big smoke to support me, paid out their hard earned money for a weekend in London, again they all told me that it was a weekend away and they where going either way now! Although I understand it was to make me feel better it still didn’t!
I had friends who were going anyway but hoping to meet up or see me in the run, In my head I couldn’t let them down,
I couldn’t let all the people who had asked me over the last 7 months how I was getting on, who had taken a genuine interest in what I was doing, even those who asked me and then wished they hadn’t.
All the people who had read my blog and comment via social media, people who had trained and we had all compared and bounced of each other with little comments and likesalong the way.
But most of all, letting myself down.
WHY DID I FEEL LIKE THAT?
Basically I had written myself off a long time ago, you know the story, I’m getting on a bit, put weight on, your best days are behind you, you will never be the kid you where, all the usual realisation and self-doubt rubbish.
To be honest ive always thought I was quite a confident person but this had knocked me for 6
I was upset because I wanted to prove myself wrong, I wanted to banish them demons! I’m 34! I’m not at deaths door yet! But my heart was being ruled by my head!
We packed up the car and we drove to London! I tried to put the brave face on in front of everyone but inside I was bricking myself.
We arrived at the hotel Friday night, settled all the luggage and then set of to get to the Expo, get it out the way and then I had all of Saturday to sight see and spend time with the gang!
The Expo is where you have to officially provide your details and ID and then get your official number – 13425 – this will be a number that will be etched in my mind forever.
Then you go further into the Expo and see all the event in its true glory, happy runners and friends all mingling and making some last minute purchases, talks and shows to try and help people calm the nerves, games for the kids to play, freebies! Lots and lots of Freebies.
This was the bit where I was like a Ying and Yang, excited and scared all at the same time, good and bad, happy and sad. Light and Dark.
I received my goody bag at the end and then we set off for some food, not that I could stomach anything but new I needed to eat.
Saturday ( D day Minus 1)
So Sightseeing day! Kids wanted to go to pudding lane as they had learnt about the Great Fire of London! Not sure what the where expecting but it wasn’t what they had in mind!
I said I would only do a bit of walking that day! 16000 steps my Garmin watch told me! yikes! Bit more than I planned.
Fuel up meal and then get to bed! Not that I slept at all, tossed and turned all night.
D DAY – 22nd April 2018
We made our way to Blue Route – 1 peanut butter and Jam butty is all I could stomach.
I had my new personalised top on – courtesy of Laura Gavin – Customized by Laura and Mrs J had also asked her to do some T shirts as well, which I didn’t know about, so I had my only little cheerleading squad, a lovely surprise and made me smile!
So I entered the Pen, said bye to the gang and I would see them later……..probably Much later.
Then all of a sudden a weird sense of calm came over me! that was it, all the running, the training, the pain, the moaning, the upset just went away.
I said to myself, no matter what happens now, I’m not coming home without that medal!
PMA really does work! It just took a while for it to get from my heart to my head! x